The Eternal Return

The Eternal Return by John Kolchak follows the life and lies of an unreliable narrator named Lucky. Lucky is an aspiring writer who takes a trip to New York City to finish his book where he reflects on his past relationships and ends up meeting the mysterious and beautiful Betty who happens to be disabled. Using a clever writing style that blends poetry and prose, Kolchak explores Lucky’s checkered past with women and his budding relationship with Betty as he struggles to find love and meaning in his life. The tale is vivid and gritty, a rare and relatable writing style that refuses to pull any punches as it explores the difficulties of romantic relationships. A stirring mix of black humour, brutal honesty and metaphor that is rare to see in a modern novel, The Eternal Return is a work of literary genius willing to confront controversy that most modern authors would shy away from. The author weaves poetry and prose together into a fascinating story about the fragile human condition that keeps the pages turning and is well worth the read.

-Jack Blare

Atrophy of Entropy

My new poetry book will be out on November 26th. Cover art by Lydia Lunch.

Speed Jive

I lost the. last thing I wished I had. I knew and neither spoke to me. I’m always the one talking people down off the ledge with a 44 pressed to my temple, painkillers and coke. I will hit rock bottom before anyone knows I’ve been in free fall. Give me one good reason to stop. “Give me one good reason not to do it.” Sang Elliott Smith. He did it. 

Not my fault I can live through so much, at 95lbs some of the shots should’ve killed me three times over. The sedated life is like a black & white photo starting to blur. One more year and I don’t know if I want to see it. 

I wish it weren’t so fucking obvious. Liars hate liars. I lie to survive. Surviving was enough but it’s time to make my mark or bow out before I make a fool of myself. Why did it have to be the guy that hated me for how I used? 

How I now use. Why did you lie to me and say all those things when you just wanted him? My final mistake was stopping shooting drugs  because maybe you’d love me if I changed. I changed and shit just got worse. I’d rather be high than the idiot in the middle who hasn’t been told he’s out of the game. 

Now I write my own rules. No I am not better than IVing, no sniffing it aint much safer, or smoking or drinking. I am better than amateur games dressed in designer ripped jeans. Risk vs reward. I took the risk a thousand times and so collect the reward, which the majority of could not imagine in their sanitized little lives. 

The thrill that with every hit you might die only doubles the excitement. Whats life without challenging death regularly? It’s a playpen, a leash, a security blanket. It is not life but existence. I lived through pleasure and pain most can’t begin to wrap their heads around, extremes of humanity just to touch the edge of reality. To become a seer. A prophet, a poet, a Demigod hearing beautiful music and rushing trains.

If death takes me take me fast. Party hard. No regrets, no borders, go go go go like Kerouac or Burrough’s. My blood is a one man chemical cocktail party, even vampires OD on me. Repulsion and disease over boredom and unease any day. I’d rather die doing what I love than wither alone. Maybe stay home, I’m a bleeder & feeling artistic tonight.

–Jack Blare

Static Intention

The air hangs heavy with intention

Covering the empty roadways in mist

Memories bubble up and churn.

A single car rolls down a dirt road

Cutting through the mist like a fish through water

In a small country graveyard a son sets his father’s urn down.

Marking it with a sprig of fresh cedar glistening with dewdrops.

His arms ache from the cuts and injections, bleeding under an old silk shirt.

He looks fine but on the inside he is terribly sick strung out shaking.

Tired of a life of addiction and pain but unable to escape it.

He drives home through the fog, black band on his right wrist.

Memories of hanging heavy around his neck, silver and gold chains.

The sharp, vivid sickness of sobriety.

Bright, painful, too clear.

Finds a vein, red flag first try, pushes the plunger

Then at last shuts his eyes, trying to block out the world.

-Jack Blare, 2023

Imminent Collapse

I ask the universe questions

It never answers back.

Same old situation

Like a worm burrowing through my skull.

Into the rabid electrical storm of my altered brain 

Like a trigger seeking a finger.

A nagging gnawing at the edge of a frozen soul

Dressed in darkness, walking black hole

Maw that consumes anything it can

Seeking some long lost sensation

Aching to be found.

Words fall slowly like flakes of snow

Only to hit the ground & melt away

Like they weren’t there at all.

Trudging uphill to a wandering destination

Like a distant mountain it never gets closer

But moves from hill to hill to cliff

Skeleton fever, exhausted insomnia.

Seasonal depression, failure’s fatigue

They all call me lazy ‘cause my work won’t sell

Everything is hazy like a smokestack in hell.

The music is over.

The band is either too drunk or too sober.

I’m tired of trying & lying & putting plans together

If you’d rather be alone go home.

Gazing at the floor, getting high

Thoughts flash through empty eyes

Intrusive ghosts of suicide

That place a revolver

Against my temple & paint my last masterpiece all over the walls.

I don’t want to die but I can’t trust my own mind.

Instead maybe I’ll slam home a hit

In my mainline, maybe it’ll change my mind

For a little bit of time so I can forget

I’m in my thirties & paying an ever growing debt

To the God of Dreams.

-Jack Blare 2023

New Book

I’ll be releasing a new book of poems next month on Amazon, Barnes and Noble etc. as well as in person for those who are interested. Still coming up with the cover and title but it’s about addiction, anomie, autism and navigating a rapidly changing society. If these things or the poetry you read here interest you the new book might too.

Unstoppable

Poor, mentally ill, addict/writer the future looks grim.

If/when I die homeless & broke I’ll leave behind a piece of me

In every book, every scribbled note, every speech I gave.

Isolation is a blessing to embrace

To pump out as many thoughts as possible.

Feed the hunger of the blank pages

Crusted with old blood.

Spend days on end in the maw of drugged sleep.

Rudely awakened by people checking to see if I am still alive.

What happened to our unscarred bodies, floating eyes & actual noses?

Grey skin, blank stared, pinned or dilated pupils, deviated septum crowd.

Skeletal forms living off of meal replacements, milk & granola bars.

Or as someone once wryly noted, “salt & amphetamines”

Even then living, seeing shows, organizing party busses,

Performing poems, songs & speeches.

Recording intoxicated first takes for fun. 

Ironically it wasn’t drugs that tore us apart at all.

Work ethic is something CEOs invented

To keep the poor in their pockets 

Offering less while they do nothing

And get filthy rich from it.

Attach work ethic to masculinity & intrinsic personal value

 Men fall in line without a word.

Hands instinctively covering their threatened, shrivelled cocks.

The mainstream world & I see ethics differently.

Capitalism is a series of scams.

Can’t cure cancer, addiction, or depression

Money’s true worth is still severely limited. 

Too limited to gamble four decades or more on.

Money is useful to keep people alive & in shelter,

To buy experiences you can’t usually get for free.

A means, never the ends.

It never ends.

Life is about collecting memories & experiences, in the end it’s all we got.

I have collected far more than the thirteen year old self that tried to

Slit his wrists the wrong way with a kitchen knife.

I have known countless pains & pleasures since.

Shooting coke, seeing spectres, spilling secrets that didn’t need to be hidden.

Time distortion, dilation, constant states of confusion & delusion.

Sometimes the key to keeping sane is just not to think about it.

It doesn’t matter what was real or not.

Reality is perception.

–Jack Blare 2023

Good Morning Hell

Lay on the grass & absorb the starlight

Before daybreak sunrise headaches

Signalling the end of the fun.

The death knoll of being young.

All emotions, motions & change.

Yes is no, personalities sour

Like whiskey & cheap smokes

Pains & obligations.

Return with the birth of the day

The parties are all long over

But I still want to play.

–Jack Blare

Neuralli: Another Facebook Health Scam

After a sabbatical from the online world I’ve returned. This is truly independent media. I don’t get paid for this, I represent no political party or group but myself. Today we’re going to take a look at Neuralli, a probiotic that boasts reduced symptoms of autism spectrum disorder, ADHD, depression and anxiety by increasing serotonin and dopamine levels in the gut naturally. I decided to visit their website to learn a bit more about this dubious claim.

Dopamine and serotonin. Two completely misunderstood neurotransmitters. Too little dopamine you have no interest in life and develop movement disorders. Too much and you risk psychosis. Serotonin is important for sleep, interpersonal relationships and certain kinds of pleasure. Anxiolytics almost as a rule bind to the GABA receptor which regulates inhibition, sleep, anxiety and seizures. Serotonin in the gut does not cross the blood-brain barrier without a carrier. Same with dopamine, also available in pure form as L-Dopa.

Vyvanse, Adderall, Ritalin are the three most common ADHD medications. They work by releasing or blocking re-uptake of norepinephrine, dopamine and serotonin. They are also all stimulants that lower the seizure threshold and cause anxiety as a side-effect. This is claiming that a mix of neurochemicals responsible for the stimulant high of meth, cocaine dexedrine and MDMA is going to reduce anxiety AND ADHD symptoms.

They are not “happy hormones” as the site advertises. What about NMDA receptors and their obvious connection to depression? That’s why ketamine therapy works instantly. Happiness is also directly related to the extensive endocannibanoid and opioid receptor systems. This doesn’t effect endorphin or endocannibanoid levels at all, nor Sigma receptors, AMPA kainite receptors, the glycine receptor or GHB receptor. (Yes GHB is naturally present in every human being.)

Natural does not mean healthy. Strychnine is natural as is morphine, cocaine, anthrax and nightshade. Don’t worry though according to these studies it maybe reduces Parkinson’s in rats. ASD doesn’t respond well to typical and more powerful serotonin or dopamine boosters. What exactly is the binding profile of PS128? We have the technology to compare how strongly it binds to any yet discovered receptor in vitro. If serotonin and dopamine were all we needed to be happy then we’d all be on dexedrine, which happens to be the number one ADHD med and increases levels of both.

A lot of people with ASD find the idea of treating it as a disease to be medicated away insulting. We have to function like you or you see us as ill, in need of treatment. ASD itself doesn’t need treatment. Anxiety and depression caused by a society that views us as outsiders to be fixed by the next new health craze with most of your product reports coming from parents, not patients. As it is not a pharmaceutical it has not gone through clinical trials nor does it have FDA approval. In fact since probiotics are natural they can’t be patented so anyone can sell this.

There are some studies showing promise “However, we did not find significant correlations between changes in salivary cortisol levels and changes in depression, anxiety, or perceived stress. Although this might indicate that the main mechanisms by which PS128TM alleviates depression or anxiety may not be strongly associated with the HPA axis, other possibilities of decreased intestinal permeability or anti-inflammatory effects by bacterial colonization still need to be taken into consideration (61). Further studies with larger sample sizes, placebo comparisons, and examination of inflammatory or neuroendocrinal biomarkers are needed to clarify whether the improvements may be due to adaptive immune, metabolic, or neural pathways.” -From their own website.

Since autism is a spectrum disorder “symptoms” vary widely from person to person. ADHD and autism spectrum are not necessarily co-morbid. Most disturbingly all the studies are on autistic children, most of which were carried out in Taiwan. Children are not capable of providing informed consent. This product is based on research carried out on CHILDREN with their parents consent to try and “control” their less convenient emotions. Now you are pushing a highly suspect “health product” on more delusional parents looking for an easy fix.

5-HTP should be available at any local pharmacy for about ten bucks. It’s a serotonin booster. For natural anxiety treatments valerian, lemon balm, THC, CBD, CBN, magnolia bark, apigenin all for about $10, less if you buy the raw herb. St John’s Wort is a natural SSRI in use for millennia. Kava is also cheap, natural widely available and is a reversible MAOI B inhibitor, meaning it slows the natural breakdown of dopamine leaving more and hence alleviating depression and anxiety.

Neuralli is $140.25 USD/bottle and not covered by health insurance. That could pay for full bottles of every other natural supplement I just mentioned with money left over. Or several prescriptions for generic pharmaceuticals.

Crazy but weed helped me a lot with sleep, anxiety and chronic stomach problems as well as socializing. Now everyone is different but $140 US buys an ounce here and since legalization the effects of each strain have become a science. Microdoses of mushrooms, lysergamides and tryptamine are becoming widespread for treating depression and anxiety despite technically being illegal yet those things are still vastly cheaper than these probiotics.

After years writing content for the natural health and pharmaceutical industries inconsistencies aren’t hard to spot. Consider your options before investing in this and recognize that treating your children against their will for “problematic” behaviour might well cause them to resent you in a couple of years. Just as homosexuality and promiscuity were treated with electroshock therapy forty years ago, and “deviate behaviour” including autism was treated with a pre-frontal lobotomy. An extreme example but I believe in the future forcibly medicating autistic children will be viewed with the same disgust. None of the studies cited are long-term and the autism studies only seem to involve children despite it being a lifelong disorder.

–Jack Blare

Pharmaceutical/Natural Health Content Writer .

Diagnosed with ASD ten years ago.

Dealing with depression and anxiety for 33 years.

For more information:

Neuralli – PS128 medical probiotic

Rushing Rock Bottom

Where are you now

My liquid high?

Still making junkies out of geniuses,

Madmen of prophets,

Losers out of kings?

Star loves,

And dream worlds

Are all you let live.

Why can’t old pizza boxes be canvases?

Why isn’t dirt precious in a sterile world?

Kites can fly fearlessly in the open skies 

 Only in torn and faded memories.  

Radios repeat warnings.

Saints scrawl blueprints for hell

As wild spirits hide behind the sad glassy eyes of children

The river flows back up into its source

Breeding sodden pens and flawed heroes,

Jobless drifters who miss their success trains,

Heading straight towards a trackless canyon, 

Hidden somewhere in the lonely mountains of lost generations,

Where only rocks still remember,

Where only Echoes still speak.

–Jack Blare